Dear Fellow Human,
Every human being on this planet goes through good and bad experiences in life. Often the bad times go unseen, especially on social media. Today, I want to share some of my bad experiences in hopes that it may give someone out there peace of mind.
About 3 years ago I was a very active mom, doing my best to not only provide a physically strong role model for my kids but also a mentally strong one. I pushed through difficult workouts, ran several races, was always on the go and ran my own business from home. However, one day I was working in my garden and something suddenly didn't feel right. I had taken a step sideways and backward on a slight hill and felt an extreme pain in my lower back. I tried to continue working on whatever it was that I was doing but my body was over it.
I slowly walked into the house and realized something was very wrong. I rested, iced, heated, and rested more. Slowly I started to feel some relief and I was able to continue life as usual. Until one day a few months later I was moving a planter and felt a similar pain to before but more intense. I tried to correct my posture and realized quickly that I couldn't physically stand on my own. I don't fully remember how I got into the house but I do recall laying on the floor for days in massive amounts of pain.
I couldn't walk without a walker nor could I sit without sharp pains shooting down my left leg, through my lower back and my sacrum. Every position was excruciating! My husband tried to help me with massages, stretches, ice packs, and heating pads but nothing was helping. I went to the chiropractor and after several attempts to correct my pain he recommended I see my Dr. and request an MRI.
On September 21st my Dr. ran a few tests in his office to determine if an MRI was necessary. One of those tests was making me do unsupported calf raises with each leg. I successfully attempted it with my right leg but when I tried this with my left leg we quickly realized that I couldn't lift my calf at all. This was not a good sign so the MRI orders were placed and I was scheduled for physical therapy.
In the midst of this my 87 year old father was placed on Hospice care Oct 1. He was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia several years prior so the decline was expected. I thought I was ready (a story for another time). However, no one can truly know where there heart is at until these moments face us head on.
The MRI didn't happen until October 7, which was one of the longest waiting periods of my life due to the pain and my lack in ability to simply walk around. Caring for my family was impossible and my mental health started to suffer. Once it was completed we learned that I had herniated my L5, S1. Orders for me to see a neurologist were placed and during that consultation I was able to see the injury. My chart states "moderate to large left subarticular extrusion demonstrating caudal extension from the level of the disc space, this results in narrowing of the left lateral recess." The neurologist was not convinced that this injury would heal on it's own, he recommended steroid injections, to continue physical therapy, and to revisit to discuss surgical options. I was also told I would not be able to run anymore.
I was devastated. On October 11 my father passed away, I learned that I was not in fact ready. His passing was extremely difficult for me to process and the pain that I was in physically did not help matters.
Two days after he passed I was able to get in for my steroid injection and I felt my mental health getting worse. My body did not find this experience agreeable.
I was able to go a month or so after the injection without massive amounts of pain but it slowly crept back and soon I was feeling right back where I was beforehand. My Dr prescribed me a medication which I was very reluctant to take but didn't know what else to do, I couldn't go on the way I was.
Fast forward to December when my physical pain was slightly less excruciating, however, I suddenly started having massive panic attacks. I didn't know it at the time so I ended up in the ER wondering if I was having a heart attack. All tests were clear but I was placed on a heart monitor for 72hrs just in case. As you can imagine this increased my anxiety tremendously. I was gaining physical weight due to my inability to work out which greatly added to the mental weight I was carrying and I soon found myself in a freeze state. My Dr placed me on several medications, many of which I refused to take. Partly because of fear and partly because I have always hated taking medication. Finding more natural remedies has always been a safe place for me.
I broke down and began taking 4 of the medications, one of which was to block the pain, but I still couldn't function. I was having multiple panic attacks every day, to the point where I couldn't be home alone. I could feel my heart racing, my body shaking, my mind flipping on and off it's tracks like a fish out of water. I couldn't sleep as everything seemed to trigger me. It was awful. My Dr.'s answer to this problem was to increase my meds.
I decided to lean into my desire for more natural approaches and started practicing tapping, meditation, grounding and floating. For those that do not know what these practices are I will be going into them in more detail with a different post, just know that they are holistic, spiritual, and scientific. These techniques provided that safe place that I craved and after my very first float experience I was introduced to some locally made plant medicine. I took my first 50mg and immediately began to feel some relief in my anxiety. This wasn't the answer to all of my issues but it was a huge step!
After completing my first bottle of oil I began having panic attacks again so I searched for more resources closer to home. I was introduced to a place called The Eau Claire Herbal Shop, where a very kind woman named Hannah walked me through several options which included herbs for anxiety, inflammation, and sleep.
I was consistent with the herbal and plant based supports which eventually lead me to a place of true healing. It took a year or so but I was eventually able to begin tapering off 3 of my medications; including the pain blocker, and I have now been cleared to run again! This process was slow but consistency was a key, along with dietary changes, mindfulness practices and letting my body rest. Something I did not do when I was trying to be that strong role model who was doing HIIT, running, lifting weights and constantly in a state of motion.
I have learned that rest is not only ok but it is necessary for true strength. So if you are struggling because of pain; physical or mental, there is hope. You do not need to rely on prescriptions, surgery or to just live with it.
All of this "bad" has brought me to a place of "good". A place where I can now empathize, connect, support and encourage others in a way that I couldn't before. I continue to practice the previously mentioned therapies and truly hope that others will begin to see the value in doing so. Being strong doesn't mean ignoring the pain. True strength comes from recognizing the physical or mental pain and learning from it.
It's ok to not be ok, but it's also ok to heal!
Sincerely,
Vanessa Venn
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